Hard to Say I’m Sorry

Hard to Say I’m Sorry: Apologies in the Workplace

Guest post by Jonathan Cohen, MD

It shouldn’t be a surprise that good apologies are not the norm. There are several reasons for this. Most of us have not undergone formal training in how to deliver an effective apology. As children, we’re taught to utter an “I’m sorry,” when we do something that someone considers wrong, and that’s where the “formal” apology training typically ends. As we’ll discuss, a good apology is much more than just this. Apologizing is also often quite unpleasant. We know that we’ve done wrong and caused someone to hurt, and the act of apologizing forces the offender to relieve the transgression, often resulting in shame. It requires the expression of both vulnerability and humility, which many of us find disconcerting. Finally, we often feel that if we didn’t mean to do it, that an apology is not necessary. A lack of intent, however, doesn’t necessarily translate to a lack of impact, and it is the impact that we should be apologizing for.¹ So, what do we do instead?² We remain silent hoping that time will make the transgression go away. We admit that harm may have occurred, but nothing more. We may even compensate for the harm without offering an explicit apology. The problem is that none of these actions heal the relationship that has been injured.

Apology has been well-studied, and there is a science informing us how to do it well. We have a good idea why some apologies are well-received, while others fail to land, and why some restore trust while others do not. Apologizing is simple, but it’s not easy. Cross-cultural research has identified five major components of an effective apology³:

• An expression of regret
• An explanation of the cause behind the violation
• The acceptance of responsibility for the offense
• An offer of repair
• A promise to refrain from future violations

Expression of Regret

There are few choices when expressing regret. The choice is to either say “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” The words “I regret” take no ownership for what happened.¹ I may regret what I ordered for dinner last night or spending time watching a game in which my team lost. Everyone who witnessed or heard about the violation that occurred probably regrets that it happened, but we caused it. If the violation occurred in public, the apology should be public also. College basketball player Angel Reese recently tweeted (posted on X) “make sure that apology is as loud as the disrespect.”⁴ This is sage advice. It’s uncomfortable to utter these opening words, and that’s the point. The offender expressing emotion, such as distress or remorse, strengthens the effectiveness of the apology.³

Acceptance of Responsibility / Explanation of the Cause

Accepting responsibility begins with admitting specifically what we’re sorry for. It can be uncomfortable to state exactly what we’ve done, especially because in hindsight there’s a good chance that we’re embarrassed by it, but it’s crucial to admit what we’re taking responsibility for. Again, our discomfort admitting the wrong conveys to the person we’ve hurt that we truly regret what happened.

There are some words that don’t belong in an apology. Consider the statements below and problems with using them:

The word following either “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” should be “I,” followed by what we did, otherwise the apology being offered is negated. Explaining the cause can be helpful in accounting how and why the violation occurred, especially if the victim asks to hear it. It’s important, though, that the explanation doesn’t veer into an excuse, which it too often does. Of all of the components of apology, an explanation is the least important element to include.³

Offer of Repair / Refraining from Repeating 

The offer of repair attempts to restore the relationship as much as possible. Replacing damage done to tangible things is, of course, easier than replacing damage done to a relationship. The offer may not be accepted by the victim, which may be determined by the perceived sincerity of the other elements of the apology. Sometimes, the only repair needed by the victim is the assurance that the violation won’t occur again.  Preventing the violation from occurring again is the action behind the words, a critical part of the apology. Expressing regret and admitting responsibility, while the same actions repeat demonstrates that the entire apology is insincere. 

Apologies that Don’t Meet the “Criteria”

Although the above 5 elements are based on research, the quality of an apology is largely subjective. Some may advocate for asking for forgiveness as part of the apology, although this can shift the process to focus on the offender rather than the victim. Although there is benefit to the offender who offers the apology, the primary beneficiary should always be the victim, and therefore its effectiveness will be determined by that individual. In a compilation of apology songs by Billboard magazine, including the song by Chicago whose name is the title of this article, all of them contain varying degrees of the elements listed above.⁵ The emotional delivery (and perhaps its performance by a talented vocalist), may be enough to compensate for some of the elements that are missing. Again, the focus of the apology is the victim, and therefore it is only that person (or group) that needs to be satisfied by the elements included within it.

The Flip Side of Apology – Forgiveness and Acceptance

The reality is that we may not receive all of the apologies that we think we deserve. In addition to the reasons mentioned at the beginning, and if we assume the best intentions of people, the offender may not even be aware that we have been hurt by their actions. It requires a bit of courage to let someone who hurt us know that they did, but this can be the necessary start of the apology and forgiveness process. Forgiveness involves a decision by the victim to let go of the resentment and anger caused by the action.⁶ Spring makes a distinction between genuine forgiveness and acceptance.⁷ Genuine forgiveness requires the heartfelt participation of both the offender and the victim. Acceptance requires participation of only the victim when the offender is unavailable or unrepentant.  Acceptance offers the victim a pathway to make peace with the past in the absence of an apology. The benefits of forgiveness and acceptance are both mental and physical, and the consequences of holding onto a grudge have been well described⁶ It is an important distinction to make that forgiveness and acceptance are distinct from reconciliation. We can forgive someone or accept what has been done without inviting them back into our lives.

Apology and Psychological Safety

A significant overlap exists between apology and psychological safety. Both are considered “soft” skills. They are both simple concepts, but they’re not easy to accomplish. Both require expressions of humility and vulnerability. Both involve the relationships between people. When we as leaders create an environment of psychological safety, we are inviting our team members to come forward with their concerns, mistakes, questions, and ideas.⁸ We are inviting the candor necessary to get the difficult work done, which may include that our actions have hurt, disappointed, or otherwise harmed the relationship with other team members. What ensures an environment of psychological safety is how we handle the apology. Do we deflect, make excuses, or minimize what occurred? Or do we say, “I’m sorry,” take responsibility, and share what will happen to ensure the violation won’t repeat? 

As astronaut Scott Kelly points out, there is a saying in the Navy about making mistakes: “There are those who have and those who will.”⁹ How we handle our mistakes ultimately determines our future successes.¹⁰ When our mistakes cause harm, apologizing well helps restore the relationships necessary to achieve excellence. 

References

1. Ingall, M., & McCarthy, S. (2023). Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies. Simon and Schuster.
2. Lewicki, R. J., & Polin, B. (2012). The art of the apology: The structure and effectiveness of apologies in trust repair.
3. Scher, S. J., & Darley, J. M. (1997). How effective are the things people say to apologize? Effects of the realization of the apology speech act. Journal of psycholinguistic research, 26, 127-140.
4. https://x.com/Reese10Angel/status/1776118461552288238
5. https://www.billboard.com/lists/best-sorry-songs-apology-music/
6. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 
7. Spring, J.A. (2004). How Can I Forgive You? Perennial Currents.
8. Edmondson, A.C. (2019). The Fearless Organization. Wiley.
9. Kelly, S. (2017). Endurance: My year in space, a lifetime of discovery. Vintage.
10. Edmondson, A. C. (2023). Right kind of wrong: The science of failing well. Simon and Schuster.